tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-226241472009-06-05T20:00:18.451+10:00email funniesa collection of email funnies that are forwarded to me each week. click on the archive links below to see more!stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.comBlogger1595125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-56052343438447756902009-06-05T19:47:00.001+10:002009-06-05T20:00:18.472+10:0040th wedding anniversary&#160;<br>40th wedding anniversary. This is priceless!<p>A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding<br>anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.<p>Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.<p>She said, &#39;For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving<br>to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.&#39;<p>The wife answered, &#39;Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling<br>husband.&#39;<p>The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary<br>II appeared in her hands.<p>The husband thought for a moment: &#39;Well, this is all very romantic, but an<br>opportunity like this will never come again.<p>I&#39;m sorry my love , but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.&#39;<p>The wife and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.<p>So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years<br>old.<p>The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b ** tards should remember<br>fairies are female.....<p>SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH .... AND TO ANY<br>MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT <br>---<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-5605234343844775690?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-31692155849579956392009-06-05T19:47:00.000+10:002009-06-05T19:48:45.974+10:00FW: Smile&#160;GOTTA PEE&#160;<p>Two women friends had gone for a girls&#39; night out.&#160;<br>Both were very faithful and loving wives, however&#160;<br>They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi&#160;<br>Breezers.&#160;<p>Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to&#160;<br>Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.&#160;<p>One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought&#160;<br>She would take off her panties and use them.&#160;<p>Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive&#160;<br>Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.&#160;<p>She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave&#160;<br>That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she&#160;<br>Proceeded to wipe with that.&#160;<p>After the girls did their business, they proceeded to&#160;<br>Go home.&#160;<p>The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned&#160;<br>That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he<br>phoned the other husband and said:&#160;<br>&quot;These girl nights have got to stop! I&#39;m starting to suspect the worst. My<br>wife came home with no panties!!&quot;&#160;<p>&quot;That&#39;s nothing,&quot; said the other husband,&#160;<br>&quot;Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that&#160;<br>said.....&#160;<p>&#39;From all of us at the Fire Station.&#160;<br>We&#39;ll never forget you.&#39;&#160;&quot;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-3169215584957995639?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-9141117351821216682009-06-02T17:37:00.000+10:002009-06-02T17:38:50.649+10:00I WAS DEEPLY OFFENDED...<p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiTXCtS_oaI/AAAAAAAAMas/HBA0GXmOO_k/s1600-h/image0011111-730650.jpg"><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiTXCtS_oaI/AAAAAAAAMas/HBA0GXmOO_k/s400/image0011111-730650.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342631499487224226" /></a></p>Ever wonder what a muslim&#39;s pussy looks like...?<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-914111735182121668?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-52504611943961922962009-06-02T07:21:00.000+10:002009-06-02T07:25:12.053+10:00Ginger motivationals<p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHOMjaJpI/AAAAAAAAMZc/zVECkpTN5Mg/s1600-h/ginger+kid+6-1-712055.jpg"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHOMjaJpI/AAAAAAAAMZc/zVECkpTN5Mg/s400/ginger+kid+6-1-712055.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342473367181731474" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHOccADRI/AAAAAAAAMZk/AVYorP2ENQQ/s1600-h/ginger+kid+2-1-713100.jpg"><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHOccADRI/AAAAAAAAMZk/AVYorP2ENQQ/s400/ginger+kid+2-1-713100.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342473371445628178" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHOljKbyI/AAAAAAAAMZs/U_y8-4UnRew/s1600-h/ginger+kid+7-1-714056.jpg"><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHOljKbyI/AAAAAAAAMZs/U_y8-4UnRew/s400/ginger+kid+7-1-714056.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342473373891587874" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHOubnB-I/AAAAAAAAMZ0/Py-Fhax66Zs/s1600-h/ginger+kid+8-1-714908.jpg"><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHOubnB-I/AAAAAAAAMZ0/Py-Fhax66Zs/s400/ginger+kid+8-1-714908.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342473376275826658" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHPAJjpqI/AAAAAAAAMZ8/gpVmnxJCjIs/s1600-h/ginger+kid+3-1-715968.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHPAJjpqI/AAAAAAAAMZ8/gpVmnxJCjIs/s400/ginger+kid+3-1-715968.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342473381031945890" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHPeDWUSI/AAAAAAAAMaE/39WOx97xrTo/s1600-h/ginger+kid-1-717043.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHPeDWUSI/AAAAAAAAMaE/39WOx97xrTo/s400/ginger+kid-1-717043.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342473389058969890" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHPnwd9MI/AAAAAAAAMaM/fJWkQ7y4CnY/s1600-h/ginger+kid+5-1-718137.JPG"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHPnwd9MI/AAAAAAAAMaM/fJWkQ7y4CnY/s400/ginger+kid+5-1-718137.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342473391664133314" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHPua1xKI/AAAAAAAAMaU/xQFklAEJXrE/s1600-h/ginger+kid+4-1-718805.JPG"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHPua1xKI/AAAAAAAAMaU/xQFklAEJXrE/s400/ginger+kid+4-1-718805.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342473393452467362" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHPyT1frI/AAAAAAAAMac/lH1luCDf4h0/s1600-h/ginger+kid+9-1-719451.jpg"><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHPyT1frI/AAAAAAAAMac/lH1luCDf4h0/s400/ginger+kid+9-1-719451.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342473394496831154" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHQLA_FcI/AAAAAAAAMak/JcG5Fg3fPJ8/s1600-h/ginger+kid+1-1-720288.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SiRHQLA_FcI/AAAAAAAAMak/JcG5Fg3fPJ8/s400/ginger+kid+1-1-720288.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342473401128654274" /></a></p><div class=Section1> <p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; color:#1F497D'><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span></p> </div> <div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-5250461194396192296?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-53608135210975969842009-06-01T04:44:00.002+10:002009-06-01T04:45:27.086+10:00The little Iranian girl...God Love her!!!!&#160;<br>An American man was seated next to a little Iranian girl on the airplane,<br>when the stranger turned to her and said, &#39;Let&#39;s talk. I&#39;ve heard that<br>flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow<br>passenger&#39;. The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed<br>it slowly and said to the stranger:<br>&#39;What would you like to talk about?&#39;<br>&#39;Oh, I don&#39;t know,&#39; said the American.<br>&#39;Since you are Iranian, how about nuclear power?&#39;<br>And he smiles.<br>&#39;OK, &#39; she said. &#39;That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a<br>question first&#39;.<br>&#160;<br>&#39;A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer<br>excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse<br>produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?&#39;<br>&#160;<br>The American, visibly surprised by the little girl&#39;s intelligence, thinks<br>about it and says, Hmmm, I have no idea.&#39;?<br>&#160;<br>To which the little girl replies, &#39;Do you really feel qualified to discuss<br>nuclear power... when you don&#39;t know shit?<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-5360813521097596984?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-34929196529558606982009-06-01T04:44:00.001+10:002009-06-01T04:44:59.700+10:00Centrelink FairyOne&#160;day a destitute refugee claimant was outside the&#160;Brisbane immigration<br>offices when the Centrelink fairy appeared.<br>&#160;<br>&#39;&#39;My good man,&#39;&#39; the fairy said, &#39;&#39;I&#39;ve been told to grant you three wishes,<br>since you just arrived in Australia with your wife and three children.&#39;&#39; <br>&#160;<br>The man told the fairy. &#39;&#39;Well, where I come from we don&#39;t have good teeth,<br>so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.&#39;&#39; <br>The fairy looked at the man&#39;s almost toothless grin and....&#39;&#39;PING&#39;&#39;.....he<br>had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! <br>&#160;<br>&#39;&#39;What else?&#39;&#39; asked the fairy, &#39;&#39;Two more to go.&#39;&#39; <br>&#160;<br>The refugee claimant now got bolder. &#39;&#39;I need a big house with a three car<br>garage in with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee<br>relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over<br>here.&#39;&#39;<br>&#160;<br>&#39;&#39;PING&#39;&#39;..... In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a<br>three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ , overlooking<br>the river. <br>&#160;<br>&#39;&#39;One more wish&#39;&#39;, said the fairy, waving her wand. &#39;&#39;Yes, one more wish. <br>I want to be like an Australian with designer clothes instead of manjams,<br>and a baseball cap instead of this turban. <br>.........and I want to have white skin like Aussies&#39;&#39; <br>&#160;<br>&#39;&#39;PING&#39;&#39;......The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Collingwood<br>T- shirt and a baseball cap. <br>He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon..<p>&#160;<br>&#39;&#39;What happened to my new teeth?&#39;&#39; he wailed. &#39;&#39;Where is my new house?&#39;&#39; <br>&#160;<br>The fairy said &#39;&#39;Tough luck, shithead, Now that you are an Australian, you<br>have to fend for yourself.&#39;&#39; <br>..............and she disappeared!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-3492919652955860698?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-59417761992772642392009-06-01T04:41:00.000+10:002009-06-01T04:44:52.153+10:00A little known, but important fact . . .A little known fact....<p><br>The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet<br>was used in 1974.<p><br>It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-5941776199277264239?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-39970855178057002552009-06-01T04:34:00.000+10:002009-06-01T04:35:30.043+10:00Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!Has&#160;anyone else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!<br>Don&#39;t know if this is just a sick coincidence but....&#160;<br>&#160;<br>2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of<br>Asia&#160;<br>&#160;<br>2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian<br>racing&#160;<br>&#160;<br>2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs<br>around the globe.&#160;<br>&#160;<br>Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!&#160;<p>&#160;It gets worse........&#160;<p>&#160;<br>Next Year......<br>2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?<br>&#160;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-3997085517805700255?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-80855522214899069072009-06-01T04:33:00.000+10:002009-06-01T04:34:25.509+10:00Strailya Mate!An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a<br>beer. <p>All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the<br>air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. <p>In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don&#39;t need to drink from the<br>same one twice,&#39; he says. <p>The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass<br>into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. <p>&#39;Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we<br>don&#39;t need to drink out of the same glass either,&#39; he says. <p>The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his<br>glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the<br>Kiwi. <br>&#160; &#160;<p>He turns to the astonished barman and says, &#39;In Strailya mate, we have so<br>many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don&#39;t need to drink with the<br>same ones twice.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-8085552221489906907?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-56379807344877237522009-05-19T19:00:00.001+10:002009-05-19T20:29:41.410+10:00The Human Body<div class=Section1> <div> <p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Courier New"'><br> <br> <tt>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. &nbsp; </tt><br> <tt>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb). &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>The average man's pen*s is three times the length of his thumb. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; </tt><br> <tt>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; </tt><br> <tt>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>Women blink twice as often as men. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; </tt><br> <tt>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; </tt><br> <tt>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>Women reading this will be finished now. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; </tt><br> <tt>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>Men are still busy checking their thumbs. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <tt>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</tt><br> <br> </span><o:p></o:p></p> </div> <p class=MsoNormal><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></p> </div> <div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-5637980734487723752?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-29234397179779365982009-05-19T19:00:00.000+10:002009-05-19T19:58:44.921+10:00funny<div class=Section1> <div> <p class=MsoNormal><br> <span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"'>You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.<br> <br> The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After<br> a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.</span><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif"'> <br> </span><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"'><br> As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and<br> that's when you remember:<br> <br> you've been listening to your ipod<span style='color:#004080'>&#8230;.......................</span></span> <o:p></o:p></p> </div> <p class=MsoNormal><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></p> </div> <div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-2923439717977936598?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-41982470939842837332009-05-19T08:40:00.000+10:002009-05-19T10:13:07.802+10:00Pictures Taken At Exactly The wrong Time<p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5kwVb96I/AAAAAAAAMYU/U4rb06oLaoI/s1600-h/image002-787805.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5kwVb96I/AAAAAAAAMYU/U4rb06oLaoI/s400/image002-787805.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337321443256170402" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5lIUoc0I/AAAAAAAAMYc/D4iLRpQ3cik/s1600-h/image003-788803.jpg"><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5lIUoc0I/AAAAAAAAMYc/D4iLRpQ3cik/s400/image003-788803.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337321449695245122" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5lVpGdcI/AAAAAAAAMYk/_oWCpKnO5WE/s1600-h/image005-789507.jpg"><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5lVpGdcI/AAAAAAAAMYk/_oWCpKnO5WE/s400/image005-789507.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337321453270758850" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5lfx7nqI/AAAAAAAAMYs/sMj_J29kb3o/s1600-h/image006-789868.jpg"><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5lfx7nqI/AAAAAAAAMYs/sMj_J29kb3o/s400/image006-789868.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337321455992151714" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5l9wjXFI/AAAAAAAAMY0/lKuvVtylQW4/s1600-h/image007-791543.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5l9wjXFI/AAAAAAAAMY0/lKuvVtylQW4/s400/image007-791543.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337321464039431250" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5mOEawAI/AAAAAAAAMY8/3VCIThbPmHo/s1600-h/image008-792305.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5mOEawAI/AAAAAAAAMY8/3VCIThbPmHo/s400/image008-792305.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337321468417720322" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5mFCq4HI/AAAAAAAAMZE/rhgwJJn2NhA/s1600-h/image009-792814.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5mFCq4HI/AAAAAAAAMZE/rhgwJJn2NhA/s400/image009-792814.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337321465994469490" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5mUZsdxI/AAAAAAAAMZM/yAbCmFE2WHQ/s1600-h/image010-793894.jpg"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5mUZsdxI/AAAAAAAAMZM/yAbCmFE2WHQ/s400/image010-793894.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337321470117574418" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5mvQ3e8I/AAAAAAAAMZU/8fuhUSpd988/s1600-h/image011-794743.jpg"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/ShH5mvQ3e8I/AAAAAAAAMZU/8fuhUSpd988/s400/image011-794743.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337321477328305090" /></a></p><div class=Section1> <p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; color:#1F497D'><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span></p> </div> <div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-4198247093984283733?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-7370130110489879582009-05-19T07:53:00.000+10:002009-05-19T08:43:50.740+10:00Parent - Job Description.<div class=Section1> <p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; color:#1F497D'><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span></p> <p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif"'><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span></p> <p class=MsoNormal><span lang=EN-US style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif"'>&nbsp;</span><span lang=EN-US style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif"'> </span><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif"'><o:p></o:p></span></p> <div> <div> <p class=MsoNormal align=center style='text-align:center'><b><u><span lang=EN-US style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Garamond","serif";color:#0A2F00'>PARENT</span></u></b><b><u><span lang=EN-US style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Garamond","serif";color:maroon'>- Job Description </span></u></b><b><span lang=EN-US style='font-size:13.5pt; font-family:"Garamond","serif"'><br> <br> This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, <br> I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!! <u><br> <br> POSITION :</u><i> <br> Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma <br> Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop</i><u> <br> <br> JOB DESCRIPTION :</u> <br> <br> Long term, team players needed, for challenging, <br> permanent work in an <br> often chaotic environment. <br> Candidates must possess excellent communication <br> and organizational skills and be willing to work <br> variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends <br> and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. <br> Some overnight travel required, including trips to <br> primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! <br> Travel expenses not reimbursed. <br> Extensive courier duties also required. <u><br> <br> RESPONSIBILITIES :</u> <br> <br> The rest of your life <br> Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, <br> until someone needs $5. <br> Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. <br> Also, must possess the physical stamina of a <br> pack mule <br> and be able to go from zero to 60 kph in three seconds flat <br> in case, this time, the screams from <br> the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. <br> Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, <br> such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets <br> and stuck zippers. <br> Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and <br> coordinate production of multiple homework projects. <br> Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings <br> for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. <br> Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, <br> an embarrassment the next. <br> Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a <br> half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. <br> Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. <br> Must assume final, complete accountability for <br> the quality of the end product. <br> Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and <br> janitorial work throughout the facility. <u><br> <br> POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &amp; PROMOTION :</u> <br> <br> None. <br> Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, <br> so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you <u><br> <br> PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE</u> : <br> <br> None required unfortunately. <br> On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.<u> <br> <br> WAGES AND COMPENSATION </u>: <br> <br> Get this! &nbsp; You pay them! <br> Offering frequent raises and bonuses. <br> A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because <br> of the assumption that college will help them <br> become financially independent. <br> When you die, you give them whatever is left. <br> The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that <br> you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more..<u> <br> <br> BENEFITS</u> : <br> <br> While no health or dental insurance, no pension, <br> no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and <br> no stock options are offered; <br> this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, <br> and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right. <i><span style='color:#3F8080'><br> <br> Forward this on to all the </span>PARENTS</i></span></b><span lang=EN-US style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Garamond","serif";color:#3F8080'> <b><i>you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, <br> letting them know they are appreciated <br> for the fabulous job they do... <br> or forward with love <br> to anyone thinking of applying for the job. </i></b></span><span lang=EN-US style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif"'><br> &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; ** AND A FOOTNOTE 'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT &nbsp; -- &nbsp;EVER!!! </span><span style='font-size: 10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif"'><o:p></o:p></span></p> </div> <p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif"'>&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif"'>&nbsp;</span><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif"'> <o:p></o:p></span></p> </div> </div> <div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-737013011048987958?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-53947741291313247652009-05-19T07:37:00.000+10:002009-05-19T09:29:21.319+10:00weekday funnies..A father found his small son looking very unhappy.<p>&quot;What&#39;s wrong?&quot; he asked.<p>The boy said, &quot;I can&#39;t get along with your wife.&quot;<p>--------------------------------------------------------<p>One day, a New Zealander on holiday in London walked into a<br>curio shop. Looking around, he notices a life-sized bronze<br>sculpture of a cat in a dark corner. The sculpture is so<br>intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the<br>shopkeeper the price.<p>&quot;Twelve pounds for the cat, sir,&quot; the shopkeeper tells him,<br>&quot;and &#163;100 for the story that goes with it.&quot;<p>&quot;I&#39;ll take the cat,&quot; says the tourist, &quot;but you can keep<br>the story.&quot;<p>The transaction completed, the tourist leaves the store<br>with the bronze cat under his arm. As he crosses the street<br>in front of the store, two live cats emerge from an alley<br>and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his<br>shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he<br>passes another alley, more cats come out and follow him.<p>By the time he&#39;s walked two blocks, at least a hundred cats<br>are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He<br>walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as<br>multitudes of cats swarm from alleys, basements, vacant<br>lots, and abandoned cars. Thousands of cats are now at his<br>heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the<br>hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.<p>No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing<br>insanely, now not just thousands, but millions, so that by<br>the time he comes rushing up to the water&#39;s edge a trail of<br>cats several blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty<br>leap, he jumps onto a light post, grasping it with one arm<br>while he hurls the bronze cat into the Thames River.<p>Clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the<br>seething tide of cats surges over the banks into the river,<br>where they drown. Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes<br>his way back to the curio shop.<p>&quot;Ah, so you&#39;ve come back for the story,&quot; says the<br>shopkeeper.<p>&quot;No,&quot; says the tourist, &quot;I was wondering if you have a<br>bronze Australian.&quot;<p>--------------------------------------------------------<p>You are suffering from what is technically known as an<br>Electra Complex,&quot; the psychiatrist is informing his blonde<br>female patient. &quot;In other words, you are in love with your<br>father.&quot;<p>The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.<p>&quot;Now, now,&quot; comforts the shrink. &quot;It&#39;s not all that bad.&quot;<p>&quot;Yes..(snif)...yes, it is,&quot; the blonde gets out between<br>sobs. &quot;I have no chance at all...he&#39;s a married man!&quot;<p>--------------------------------------------------------<p>After a torrential rainstorm filled all the potholes in the<br>streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little<br>boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.<p>The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his<br>brother by the back of his head and shoved his face into<br>the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and<br>dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.<p>&#39;Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!&#39; she<br>asks as she shook the older boy in anger.<p>&#39;We were just playing &#39;church&#39; mummy,&#39; he said. &#39;And I was<br>just baptizing him ... ... in the name of the Father, the<br>Son and in ... the hole-he-goes.&#39;<p>--------------------------------------------------------<p>An Israeli doctor says &#39;Medicine in my country is so<br>advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it<br>in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.&#39;<p>A German doctor says &#39;That is nothing; we can take a lung<br>out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking<br>for work in four weeks.<p>The Russian doctor says &#39;In my country, medicine is so<br>advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person,<br>put it in another, and have them both looking for work in<br>two weeks.&#39;<p>An Australian doctor, not to be outdone, says &#39;You guys are<br>way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of<br>Queensland, put him in Canberra , and soon about half the<br>country will be looking for work.&#39;<p>--------------------------------------------------------<p>I reckon airports should have a room allocated to atheists<br>so they can go there and not pray.<p>--------------------------------------------------------<p>No One Could Ever Dream Up A Story Like This One.. As a<br>young piper in Newfoundland, I was asked by a funeral<br>director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless<br>man, with no family or friends.<p>The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the<br>country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest<br>there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I<br>became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for<br>directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the<br>backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch,but the hearse<br>was nowhere in sight.<p>I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped<br>to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid<br>already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold<br>them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The<br>workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played<br>out my heart and soul.<p>As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I<br>played, like I&#39;d never played before: From My Home &amp; The<br>Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest.I closed the<br>lengthy session with amazing Grace and walked to my car.<p>As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I<br>overheard one of the workers saying to another, &#39;Lard<br>Jeezuz b&#39;y, I never seen nothin&#39; like that before and I&#39;ve<br>been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.&#39;<p>--------------------------------------------------------<p>A lady went to the doctor and said &#39;my husband thinks he&#39;s<br>a refrigerator&#39;.<p>The doctor said &quot;don&#39;t worry he&#39;ll get over it&quot;.<p>She said, &quot; It&#39;s not that&quot;, she said, &quot;when he&#39;s asleep<br>with his mouth open, the little light in there keeps me<br>awake!&quot;<p>--------------------------------------------------------<p>A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,<br>walked Up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,<br>and said, &#39;I Would like to buy some cyanide.&#39;<p>The pharmacist asked, &#39;Why in the world do you need<br>cyanide?&#39; The lady replied, &#39;I need it to poison my<br>husband.&#39;<p>The pharmacist&#39;s eyes got big and he exclaimed, &#39;Lord have<br>mercy! I can&#39;t give you cyanide to kill your husband.<p>That&#39;s against the law! I&#39;ll lose my license! They&#39;ll throw<br>both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things Will happen.<br>Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!&#39;<p>The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of<br>her husband in bed with the pharmacist&#39;s wife.<p>The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, &#39;Well<br>now, that&#39;s different. You didn&#39;t tell me you had a<br>prescription.&#39;<p>--------------------------------------------------------<p>Thanks for the funnies... I thought I would share &quot;a<br>moment&quot; with you from last night...<p>As a special treat, my partner took our 2 kids to see the<br>stage show of Wicked. It was a late night for our 6 &amp; 10<br>year old girls... I collected them in the car and on the<br>way home, our very tired 6 year old was trying to remember<br>which day she had to do &quot;Show &amp; Tell&quot; so that she could<br>report on Wicked..... &quot;I cannot remember which day it is<br>but it has &#39;Day&#39; in it&#39;s name.....&quot;<p>What followed was an annoyed 10 year old trying to explain<br>that all days have days in their names...<p>--------------------------------------------------------<p>She looked like such a sweet little old lady, driving the<br>cute Toyota with a bumper sticker that said, &quot;Grow your own<br>dope.&quot;<p>How sweet, I thought, must be a medical marijuana patient.<p>Then I noticed the rest of her message... &quot;Plant a man.&quot;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-5394774129131324765?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-44835454187243656352009-05-19T02:21:00.000+10:002009-05-19T02:23:19.219+10:00Never Drink Baileys!<div class=Section1> <p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif"'>A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're<o:p></o:p></span></p> <div> <div> <div> <div> <div> <div> <p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif"'>sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this<br> &nbsp;<br> really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited<span style='color:green'>&nbsp;</span></span><o:p></o:p></p> <div> <p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif"'>she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After<span style='color:green'>&nbsp;</span></span><br> <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif"'>a&nbsp;while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender<br> brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> 1 A salt shaker,<br> &nbsp;<br> 2 A shot of Baileys,<br> &nbsp;<br> 3 A shot of lime juice.<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.<br> First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot<br> of&nbsp;Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime<span style='color:green'>&nbsp;</span>juice.'<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.<br> &nbsp;<br> He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth........smooth,<span style='color:green'>&nbsp;</span></span><br> <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif"'>rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks.........this is OK.<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> 1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits....<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> 2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles.....<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> 3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste &amp; mucous-like consistency<br> &nbsp;hits.....<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> 4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to<br> disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,<br> Jesus what do you call that drink?'<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> &nbsp;<br> She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'<br> &nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-4483545418724365635?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-51574853950297115902009-04-05T08:38:00.000+10:002009-04-05T08:41:11.773+10:00COURT DOCKET 12659<div class=Section1> <p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; color:#1F497D'><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span></p> <div> <div> <div> <div id="AOLMsgPart_2_4e2b7778-67e1-4107-9425-c8ab18acb301"> <div> <table class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=0> <tr> <td style='padding:0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm'> <div> <p class=MsoNormal>&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></p> </div> </td> </tr> <tr> <td valign=top style='padding:0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm'> <div> <p class=MsoNormal><b><span style='font-size:13.5pt;color:black'>ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY</span></b><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"'> </span><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"inherit","serif"'><br> A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man<br> opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. </span><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif"'><br> </span><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"inherit","serif"'><br> This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.<br> The man seemed more amused. </span><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"'><br> </span><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"inherit","serif"'><br> When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.<br> <br> The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 yrs old) what he had to say for himself.<br> <br> The man replied, &quot;Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ' The Double Mint Twins are Comin ' and I grinned.&quot;<br> <br> &quot;Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling ' , and I had to smile.&quot;<br> <br> &quot;Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, &quot;William's Big Stick Did the Trick&quot;, and I could hardly contain myself.&quot;<br> <br> &quot;BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ' Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident ' ... I just Lost it.&quot;<br> <br> &quot;CASE DISMISSED!!&quot;<br> <br> Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else</span><o:p></o:p></p> </div> </td> </tr> </table> <div class=MsoNormal align=center style='text-align:center'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif"'> <hr size=2 width="100%" align=center> </span></div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-5157485395029711590?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-74075170015331584512009-03-26T23:04:00.000+11:002009-03-26T23:05:22.372+11:00Queensland - The Smart State <p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvghbElSI/AAAAAAAAMYM/CqQQK51pVyI/s1600-h/pic19779-722373.jpg"><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvghbElSI/AAAAAAAAMYM/CqQQK51pVyI/s400/pic19779-722373.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317466389559416098" /></a></p><div class=Section1> <p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; color:#1F497D'>- look closely at this pic might take you a min or two (for some of you) to get it<o:p></o:p></span></p> </div> <div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-7407517001533158451?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-64366247451244078782009-03-26T23:01:00.000+11:002009-03-26T23:04:33.077+11:00MOTIVATION TIME!!<p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvUfEW5XI/AAAAAAAAMWc/InI3R05-UqI/s1600-h/pic20672-773080.jpg"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvUfEW5XI/AAAAAAAAMWc/InI3R05-UqI/s400/pic20672-773080.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317466182768846194" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvUynlKnI/AAAAAAAAMWk/jAybJUEIzqs/s1600-h/pic07336-774463.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvUynlKnI/AAAAAAAAMWk/jAybJUEIzqs/s400/pic07336-774463.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317466188016855666" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvVD8XBfI/AAAAAAAAMWs/-6nplcNGMgI/s1600-h/pic07491-776004.jpg"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvVD8XBfI/AAAAAAAAMWs/-6nplcNGMgI/s400/pic07491-776004.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317466192667411954" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvVItASwI/AAAAAAAAMW0/lJSXOcoP418/s1600-h/pic05900-776246.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvVItASwI/AAAAAAAAMW0/lJSXOcoP418/s400/pic05900-776246.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317466193945185026" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvVR2nbXI/AAAAAAAAMW8/GkWtPPDGO3M/s1600-h/pic20531-776942.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvVR2nbXI/AAAAAAAAMW8/GkWtPPDGO3M/s400/pic20531-776942.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317466196401417586" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvVhgvxOI/AAAAAAAAMXE/UxRWT9zVz2s/s1600-h/pic30504-777998.jpg"><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvVhgvxOI/AAAAAAAAMXE/UxRWT9zVz2s/s400/pic30504-777998.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317466200604656866" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvVuDn0TI/AAAAAAAAMXM/b2TEDq6E7Gw/s1600-h/pic01876-778560.jpg"><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvVuDn0TI/AAAAAAAAMXM/b2TEDq6E7Gw/s400/pic01876-778560.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317466203972161842" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvV9jqF9I/AAAAAAAAMXU/m6gRKadnNlI/s1600-h/pic23682-779172.jpg"><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvV9jqF9I/AAAAAAAAMXU/m6gRKadnNlI/s400/pic23682-779172.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317466208133060562" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvV2dVr7I/AAAAAAAAMXc/bgS2cD-p4eM/s1600-h/pic16679-779562.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvV2dVr7I/AAAAAAAAMXc/bgS2cD-p4eM/s400/pic16679-779562.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317466206227509170" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvWW-GwNI/AAAAAAAAMXk/ULdbF0A-Kj0/s1600-h/pic26921-779850.jpg"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvWW-GwNI/AAAAAAAAMXk/ULdbF0A-Kj0/s400/pic26921-779850.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317466214954877138" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvWdkSRPI/AAAAAAAAMXs/fXtQA74RwdM/s1600-h/pic18208-781232.jpg"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvWdkSRPI/AAAAAAAAMXs/fXtQA74RwdM/s400/pic18208-781232.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317466216725628146" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvWXy-H1I/AAAAAAAAMX0/BvdFRApeW40/s1600-h/pic28947-781803.jpg"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvWXy-H1I/AAAAAAAAMX0/BvdFRApeW40/s400/pic28947-781803.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317466215176609618" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvWh5F0rI/AAAAAAAAMX8/quYGg-slX44/s1600-h/pic27798-782066.jpg"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvWh5F0rI/AAAAAAAAMX8/quYGg-slX44/s400/pic27798-782066.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317466217886634674" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvWgFYzZI/AAAAAAAAMYE/HVfuzhvbG_g/s1600-h/pic02565-782307.jpg"><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SctvWgFYzZI/AAAAAAAAMYE/HVfuzhvbG_g/s400/pic02565-782307.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317466217401339282" /></a></p><div class=Section1> <p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; color:#1F497D'><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span></p> </div> <div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-6436624745124407878?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-55422561969155836402009-02-25T18:45:00.000+11:002009-02-25T18:46:08.822+11:00Your Application has been rejected....<p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SaT3QCTq97I/AAAAAAAAMWQ/5FlPEtnLTrI/s1600-h/photo-768824.jpg"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SaT3QCTq97I/AAAAAAAAMWQ/5FlPEtnLTrI/s400/photo-768824.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5306638115818633138" /></a></p><DIV>&nbsp;</DIV><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-5542256196915583640?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-49679947824868693052009-02-25T14:07:00.000+11:002009-02-25T14:08:08.664+11:00stimulus Payment<DIV><B><U><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3><SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt">Important Information on the Stimulus Payment</SPAN></FONT></U></B><BR><BR>"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. &nbsp;This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:<BR><BR>"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?<BR><BR>"A. It is money that the federal government will send to Taxpayers.<BR><BR>"Q. Where will the government get this money?<BR><BR>"A. From taxpayers.<BR><BR>"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?<BR><BR>"A. Only a smidgen.<BR><BR>"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?<BR><BR>"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.<BR><BR>"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">China</st1:place></st1:country-region>?<BR><BR>"A. &nbsp;Shut up."<BR>_____________________________________________<BR><BR>Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:<BR><BR>If you spend that money at K-Mart, all the money will go to <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">China</st1:place></st1:country-region>.<BR><BR>If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.<BR><BR>If you purchase a computer it will go to <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">India</st1:place></st1:country-region>.<BR><BR>If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to South East Asia or <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">New Zealand</st1:place></st1:country-region> (unless you buy organic).<BR><BR>If you buy a car it will go to <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Japan</st1:place></st1:country-region>.<BR><BR>If you purchase useless <A href="mailto:cr@p">cr@p</A> it will go to <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Taiwan</st1:place></st1:country-region>.<BR><BR>And none of it will help the economy.<BR><BR>We need to keep that money here. &nbsp;You can keep the money here by spending it at garage sales, going to a football game, or spending it on prost!tutes, beer or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still here.</DIV> <TABLE> <TBODY> <TR> <TD bgColor=#ffffff><FONT color=#000000></FONT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-4967994782486869305?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-7223629401220677212009-02-22T10:43:00.000+11:002009-02-22T10:44:06.235+11:00Education for u.....Origin of great company namesMercedes:<br> This was actually financier&#39;s daughter&#39;s name.<p> Adobe:<br> This came from the name of the river Adobe Creek that ran<br> behind the house of founder John Warnock.<p> Apple Computers:<br> It was the favourite fruit of founder Steve Jobbs.He was<br> three month slate for filing a name for the business, and he<br> threatened to call his company Apple Computers if the other<br> colleagues didn&#39;t suggest a better name by 5<br> o&#39;clock.<p> CISCO:<br> It is not an acronym as popularly believed.. Its short for<br> San Francisco.<p> Compaq:<br> This name was formed by using COMp, for computer and PAQ to<br> denote a small integral object.<p> Corel:<br> The name was derived from the founder&#39;s name Dr.<br> Michael Cowpland. It stands for COwpland Research<br> Laboratory.<p> Google:<br> The name started as a joke boasting about the amount of<br> information the search-engine would be able to search. It<br> was originally named &#39;Googol&#39;,a word for the number<br> represented by 1 followed by 100 zeros. After founders -<br> Stanford graduate students Sergey Brin and Larry Page<br> presented their project to an angel investor; they received<br> a cheque made out to &#39;Google&#39;.<p> Hotmail:<br> Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail via the<br> web from a computer anywhere in the world. When Sabeer<br> Bhatia came up with the business plan for the mail service,<br> he tried all kinds of names ending in &#39;mail&#39; and<br> finally settled for hotmail as it included the<br> letters&quot;html&quot; - the programming language used to<br> write web pages. It was initially referred to as HoTMaiL<br> with selective uppercasing.<p> Hewlett Packard :<br> Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide<br> whether the company they founded would be called<br> Hewlett-Packard or Packard-Hewlett.<p> Intel:<br> Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company<br> &#39;Moore Noyce&#39; but that was already trademarked by a<br> hotel chain so they had to settle for an acronym of<br> INTegrated ELectronics.<p> Lotus (Notes) :<br> Mitch Kapor got the name for his company from &#39;The<br> Lotus Position&#39; or&#39;Padmasana&#39; . Kapor used to be<br> a teacher of transcendental Meditation of Maharishi Mahesh<br> Yogi.<p> Microsoft:<br> Coined by Bill Gates to represent the company that was<br> devoted to MICROcomputer SOFTware. Originally christened<br> Micro-Soft, the &#39;-&#39; was removed later on.<p> Motorola:<br> Founder Paul Galvin came up with this name when his company<br> started manufacturin g radios for cars. The popular radio<br> company at the time was called Victrola.<p> ORACLE:<br> Larry Ellison and Bob Oats were working on a consulting<br> project for the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency). The code<br> name for the project was called Oracle (the CIA saw this as<br> the system to give answers to all questions or something<br> such). The project was designed to help use the newly<br> written SQL code by IBM. The project eventually was<br> terminated but Larry and Bob decided to finish what they<br> started and bring it to the world. They kept the name Oracle<br> and created the RDBMS engine. Later they kept the same name<br> for the company.<p> Sony:<br> It originated from the Latin word &#39;sonus&#39; meaning<br> sound, and &#39;sonny&#39; as lang used by Americans to<br> refer to a bright youngster.<p> SUN:<br> Founded by 4 Stanford University buddies, SUN is the<br> acronym forStanford University Network. Andreas Bechtolsheim<br> built a microcomputer; Vinod Khosla recruited him and Scott<br> McNealy to manufacture computers based on it, and Bill Joy<br> to develop a UNIX-based OS for the computer.<p> Apache:<br> It got its name because its founders got started by<br> applying patches to code written for NCSA&#39;s httpd<br> daemon.. The result was &#39;A PAtCHy&#39; server --thus,<br> the name Apache Jakarta (project from Apache):A project<br> constituted by SUN and Apache to create a web server<br> handling servlets and JSPs. Jakarta was name of the<br> conference room at SUN where most of the meetings between<br> SUN and Apache took place.<p> Tomcat:<br> The servlet part of the Jakarta project. Tomcat was the<br> code name for the JSDK 2.1 project inside SUN.<p> C:<br> Dennis Ritchie improved on the B programming language and<br> called it &#39;New B&#39;.He later called it C. Earlier B<br> was created by Ken Thompson as a revision of the Bon<br> programming language (named after his wife Bonnie).<p> C++:<br> Bjarne Stroustrup called his new language &#39;C with<br> Classes&#39; and then &#39;newC&#39;. Because of which the<br> original C began to be called &#39;old C&#39; which was<br> considered insulting to the C community.. At this time Rick<br> Mascitti suggested the name C++ as a successor to C.<p> GNU:<br> A species of African antelope. Founder of the GNU project<br> Richard Stallman liked the name because of the humor<br> associated with its pronunciation and was also influenced by<br> the children&#39;s song &#39;The Gnu Song&#39; which is a<br> song sung by a gnu. Also it fitted into the recursive<br> acronym culture with &#39;GNU&#39;s Not Unix&#39;.<p> Java:<br> Originally called Oak by creator James Gosling, from the<br> tree that stood outside his window, the programming team had<br> to look for a substitute as there was no other language with<br> the same name. Java was selected from a list of suggestions.<br> It came from the name of the coffee that the programmers<br> drank.<p> LG:<br> Combination of two popular Korean brands Lucky and<br> Goldstar.<p> Linux:<br> Linus Torvalds originally used the Minix OS on his system<br> which here placed by his OS. Hence the working name was<br> Linux (Linus&#39; Minix). He thought the name to be too<br> egotistical and planned to name it Freax(free+ freak +<br> x).His friend Ari Lemmke encouraged Linus to upload it to a<br> network so it could be easily downloaded. Ari gave Linus a<br> directory called linux on his FTP server, as he did not like<br> the name Freax.(Linus&#39; parents named him after two-time<br> Nobel Prize winner Linus Pauling) .<p> Mozilla:<br> When Marc Andreesen, founder of Netscape, created a browser<br> to replace Mosaic (also developed by him), it was named<br> Mozilla (Mosaic-Killer, Godzilla) .The marketing guys<br> didn&#39;t like the name however and it wasre-christened<br> Netscape Navigator.<p> Red Hat:<br> Company founder Marc Ewing was given the Cornell lacrosse<br> team cap (with red and white stripes) while at college by<br> his grandfather. He lost it and had to search for it<br> desperately. The manual of the beta version of Red Hat Linux<br> had an appeal to readers to return his Red Hat if found by<br> anyone!<p> SAP:<br> &quot;Systems, Applications, Products in Data<br> Processing&quot;, formed by 4 ex-IBM employees who used to<br> work in the &#39;Systems/Applicatio ns/Projects&#39; group<br> of IBM.<p> SCO (UNIX):<br> From Santa Cruz Operation. The company&#39;s office was in<br> Santa Cruz.<p> UNIX:<br> When Bell Labs pulled out of MULTICS (MULTiplexed<br> Information and Computing System), which was originally a<br> joint Bell/GE/MIT project, KenThompson and Dennis Ritchie of<br> Bell Labs wrote a simpler version of the OS.They needed the<br> OS to run the game Space War which was compiled<br> underMULTICS. It was called UNICS - UNIplexed operating and<br> Computing System by Brian Kernighan. It was later shortened<br> to UNIX.<p> Xerox:<br> The inventor, Chestor Carlson, named his product trying to<br> say `dry&#39; (asit was dry copying, markedly different from<br> the then prevailing wet copying). The Greek root `xer&#39;<br> means dry.<p> Yahoo!:<br> The word was invented by Jonathan Swift and used in his<br> book &#39;Gulliver&#39;s Travels&#39; . It represents a<br> person who is repulsive in appearance and action and is<br> barely human. Yahoo! founders Jerry Yang and David Filo<br> selected the name because they considered themselves yahoos.<p><br> 3M:<br> Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing Company started off by<br> mining the material corundum used to make sandpaper.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-722362940122067721?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-36806602803725981952009-02-22T10:42:00.001+11:002009-02-22T10:42:34.767+11:00Nun at the airportA NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .<br> <br>SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES<br>THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, &#39;I&#39;LL GIVE IT A TRY<br>AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.&#39;<br> <br>SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER<br>NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, &#39;YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128<br>LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO .&#39;<br> <br>THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY<br>GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE<br>MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN.<br> <br>SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT<br>CAME A CARD THAT READ: &#39;YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE<br>GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.&#39;<br> <br>THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, &#39;I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A<br>MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.&#39; SHE SAT BACK DOWN.<br> <br>FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS<br>FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED<br>THE COWBOY&#39;S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL<br>MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE<br>MACHINE, THINKING, &#39;THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I&#39;VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.&#39;<br> <br>BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD<br>CAME OUT. IT READ, &#39;YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING<br>TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.&#39; NOW SHE KNOWS THE<br>MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, &#39;I&#39;VE NEVER BROKEN WIND<br>IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.&#39; BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE<br>SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO<br>THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND<br>LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, &#39;THIS IS TRULY<br>REMARKABLE. I&#39;VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.&#39;<br> <br>SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD<br>CAME OUT. IT READ, &#39;YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE<br>FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-3680660280372598195?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-46562427851993426822009-02-22T10:09:00.000+11:002009-02-22T10:10:31.472+11:00AUSTRALIA-- This MUST be done !!!!Its your duty, people<p><br>AUSTRALIA-- This MUST be done !!!!<p>It is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked <br>and he must commit suicide if he does.<p>So next Sunday at 4:00 PM, all Australian women are asked to walk out of <br>their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.<p>Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist <br>effort.<br>All men are to position themselves in deck chairs in front of their house to <br>prove they are not terrorists and to demonstrate that they think it&#39;s okay <br>to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all <br>Australian women.<p>And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at <br>your side is further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment.<p>The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to weedout terrorists and <br>applauds your participation in this anti terrorist activity.<p><br>IT IS YOUR DUTY TO PASS THIS ON.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-4656242785199342682?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-20642803881446714642009-02-22T10:04:00.001+11:002009-02-22T10:04:46.473+11:00Hundreds Attend Global Warming Protest<p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SaCIjhgPxfI/AAAAAAAAMWI/hCZaStkib5c/s1600-h/ATT1-786476.jpg"><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JCCD5ZEEw9U/SaCIjhgPxfI/AAAAAAAAMWI/hCZaStkib5c/s400/ATT1-786476.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5305390504912864754" /></a></p><DIV>&nbsp;</DIV><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-2064280388144671464?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22624147.post-42960744790094226952009-02-19T21:07:00.001+11:002009-02-19T21:07:46.231+11:00How do pakis name their baby boys?<DIV><FONT face=Arial></FONT><BR>&nbsp;How do pakis name their baby boys? </DIV> <DIV>&nbsp;</DIV> <DIV>If he smiles - Ismail</DIV> <DIV>If&nbsp;he has only one hair - Iqbal</DIV> <DIV>If he has one hair on the ear -&nbsp;&nbsp;Iqbal Khan</DIV> <DIV>If he has one hair on the bum - Ass If Iqbal</DIV> <DIV>If he&nbsp;shakes his dads ding dong : Sheik-abbu-da-lulla</DIV> <DIV>If he shakes&nbsp;his moms boobs : Sheik - Ma ha boob<BR>&nbsp;<BR>If he is born with an erection : Fuckruddin</DIV><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5428367729462872"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; google_ad_format = "468x60_as_rimg"; google_cpa_choice = "CAAQz-ebzgEaCC76Q3EwrJjSKMXC93M"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22624147-4296074479009422695?l=happyhigh.blogspot.com'/></div>stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08435793326760146799coldie80@gmail.com0