email funnies

The Friday Funnies....

2008-05-22T22:24:00.001+10:00

Two funnies form my teaching days.

"The knife was conceived in his swag." ….. English Lesson
and

"Oh, accouchement leave is when you're leaving to have a
baby? Is that why we say 'couchie, couchie, coo' to
babies?" …… Maternity Leave farewell comment from one of my
Year 9 students -

----------------------------------------------------

True story.

Tea break discussion at a local accountants office: the
upcoming shortest day. Blonde question: how does it come to
be the shortest day?

Group answer: because we're kinda tilted away form the sun
and don't get as much.

Blonde question: but how much shorter than a normal 24 hour
day is it?

Followed shortly after by much laughter, light dawning, and
a confession that the next question was going to be "and
how does my alarm clock know?"

----------------------------------------------------

I had to share this true story...

I teach year twelve English. I gave each of my students a
pad of sticky notes to use in their novels, and after a
week one of my students put up her hand to tell me that her
sticky note pad was faulty.

Apparently she would write a note and then find that the
adhesive was on the same side. She requested a replacement
pad that had not been made upside down...

----------------------------------------------------

Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the
table and looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's
been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big
chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, "Good grief! - how many times do we have
to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who
got up first - it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the
house - it was Momma Bear who made the coffee -

it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last
night, & put everything away- it was Momma Bear who went
out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper -
it was Momma Bear who set the table -

it was Momma Bear who put the blasted cat out, cleaned the
litter box and filled the cat's food & water dish AND, now
that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses
downstairs to grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy
presence --- listengood, cause I'm only going to say this
one more time.....

I HAVEN'T MADE THE B L O O D Y PORRIDGE YET!!"

----------------------------------------------------

After the birth of my son, a woman from the records depart-
ment stopped by my hospital room to get information for his
birth certificate.

"Father's date of birth?" she asked.

When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his
birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"

"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that
you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned
two a couple of days before the same date."

After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my
hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband
a tie for his birthday."

----------------------------------------------------

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet...

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your toothbrush.. .

----------------------------------------------------

Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she
told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's
house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of
them knew anything about it.

Friendship between men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told
his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The
woman called her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of whom
confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said that he was
still there.

----------------------------------------------------

A tough old cowboy told his grandson that the secret to
long life was sprinkling a little gunpowder on his porridge
every morning.

The grandson did so religiously and sure enough he lived to
the ripe old age of 93.

When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35
great grandchildren and a five metre hole ion the wall of
the crematorium

----------------------------------------------------

Gaye has let us know about a great idea they are using at
their doctors surgery…

Love Friday funnies and our favourite "magazine" in the
waiting room (doctors surgery) are 2 large folders full of
all sorts of jokes and stories. One folder politically
correct and the other marked "a little bit naughty".
Patients almost fight over them. I am thinking of doing one
for kids.

----------------------------------------------------

"According to Glamour magazine, it takes the average woman
11 minutes to get aroused. The problem is that by the time
the average woman is aroused the guy's been asleep for nine
minutes." -Jay Leno

----------------------------------------------------

When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son,
when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that
I couldn't please any of them.

----------------------------------------------------

"Happy birthday to Cher. She turns 62 today. Her br e a
sts, of course, are only 23." -Craig Ferguson

----------------------------------------------------

Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told
me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him.
The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing
like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish
because you thought you could teach him to sing like a
bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot
fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach
a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a
parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish
CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's
driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'

----------------------------------------------------

I thought you might like to hear this one. This is a true
storey that has been passed on to me.

A group of special needs children where taken on an outing
to an aquatic centre (Kelly Tarltons in Auckland). One of
the children became separated from the group and when he
was found he was quite wet. Because the child had speech
and hearing difficulties the caregivers couldn't find out
what had happened to him.

They put all the children on the bus and returned to their
home town a couple of hours away. On disembarking the
little boys backpack was noted to be damp as well so they
opened it up only to find a honest to goodness live penguin
inside. The staff promptly rung the aquatic centre to
explain what had happened but were quite puzzled when the
lady on the other end said " oh that's all right it happens
all the time. I will just send you a courier ticket and you
can pop it in the post".

The ladies tone changed very rapidly when they explained it
was a live penguin in the bag. Needless to say they had two
keepers on their doorstep 2 hours later to pick the poor
bird up.

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Checked by AVG.
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7:06 AM

Blondes

2008-05-18T13:37:00.001+10:00

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field stood by himself while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him 'You ok?' she says
'Yes' he says
'You can play with the other kids you know' she says
'Its best I stay here' he says
'Why?' says the blonde
The boy says 'Because I am the f#cking goalie'

Little Zachary's Maths

2008-05-18T13:36:00.001+10:00

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math His parents had tried

everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In

short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him

in the local Catholic school.  After the first day, little Zachary came

home with a very serious look on his face.  He didn't even kiss his mother

Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.  Books

and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard

at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without

a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to

understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it

on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great

trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little

Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She

went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little

Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied,

Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? 'WHAT WAS

IT THEN?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school

when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling

around.'

Footy Joke

2008-05-17T14:54:00.001+10:00

Three footy fans were walking back from the MCG when

one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the

side of Jolimont Road.

They stopped and discovered a nude female unconscious

and near death so one of them phoned the police and

also requested an ambulance.

Out of respect and propriety, the Hawthorn fan took
off his cap and placed it over one of the female's

breasts.

The Kangaroos fan took off his cap and placed it over

her other breast.

Following their lead, but with great reluctance, the

Collingwood fan took off his cap and placed it over

her girly part.

The police arrived first and an officer began to

conduct his investigation.

First he lifted up the Hawks cap, replaced it and made

an entry in his notebook.

Next, he lifted the Kangaroos cap and replaced it;

making more notes in his book.

Then the officer lifted the Collingwood cap, replaced

it, lifted it again, replaced it,

lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time -

shaking his head in disbelief.

The Collingwood fan was extremely annoyed and

challenged him, 'What are you,

a pervert or something mate? Why do you keep lifting

and looking, lifting and looking?'

'Well,' said the officer, 'I'm a little surprised and

confused.

'Normally, when you look under a Collingwood cap...

you'll find an assh0le.'

Fwd: The maid

2008-05-17T14:51:00.001+10:00

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you
want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

2008-05-17T14:50:00.001+10:00

INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the Urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors Is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And........
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

more weekend funnies

2008-05-17T14:40:00.001+10:00

When I was in an antique shop in a Victorian country town
recently I saw this sign….

"Any unsupervised children will be given unlimited red
cordial and told they can take a cute puppy home."

-------------------------------------------------------------

"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell
their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you
tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will
tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of
the men aren't listening anyway." -Jay Leno

-------------------------------------------------------------

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a
genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be
getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second
wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but
your second wish was for me to put everything back the way
it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember
nothing, because everything is the way it was before you
made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the
heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to
know what's going on inside their heads."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and dis-
appeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

-------------------------------------------------------------

I heard a funny one on St Patrick's day

Paddy goes down to the Police Station to do the written
test. The Sgt comes in after he's done & says 'You didn't
even answer the first question correctly - who's the Queen
of England? Now get out here & don't come back until you
find tat out!'

Paddy goes home to his wife. She asks 'Did you get the
job?' 'I think so' says Paddy, 'And they've put me on a
case already!'

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"There was one nursing home that each night gave it's
elderly male residents a V ia g ra Tablet. It was much to
help their s e x life but mote to stop them rolling out of
bed each night."

While I'm on poor Vi a g ra Jokes, my wife took one the
other day and she woke up with a stiff neck.

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Two country boys were driving a truck and trailer down the
highway when they came to an overbridge with a sign saying
"Clearance 3.1 metres". They measured their rig to find
that it is 3.5 metres high. "I don't see any cops around,"
said one, "let's go for it."

A man complained to his teenage daughter that the modern
generation had no modesty. "When I was your age," he said,
"girls still knew how to blush." "Good heavens Dad,"
replied the daughter, "what on earth did you say to them?"
-------------------------------------------------------------

Two 90 year olds had been dating for some time, when the
man told the woman, I think it's time we had s e x, don't
you? She agreed, and they had se x.

Afterward, as they were laying in bed, the old man thinks
to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin,
I would have been more gentle with her!"

Meanwhile, the old woman was thinking to herself, "My God,
if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up,
I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

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Rules are the means of a girl's assessing which man she
likes well enough to break them for. ---Unknown

-------------------------------------------------------------

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a se xy
nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed,
only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down
on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not
going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

In tears, she remarked, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous
thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for
how long?'

-------------------------------------------------------------

"According to USA Today, Starbucks in going to market an
energy drink. It's for people who get tired while waiting
in line at Starbucks." --Conan O'Brien

-------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into his Dr's rooms & pulls down his trousers &
shows the Dr his backside. He has a lettuce growing out of
it! The Dr says "I see the problem" The guy replies, "Dr
that's only the tip of the iceberg!!!!!"

-------------------------------------------------------------

Just had to share a story from my staff meeting this week.
One of the lovely older ladies who works for me had her
sister visiting from the UK and together they went to visit
our Parliament in Wellington. They had a tour around the
building and at the end the guide told them that Parliament
was in session if they wished to have a look. So having
stowed bags and other belongings they had to walk through a
metal detector and the guard asked my lovely staff member
to remove her top.

She looked down and decided that the metal rivets on her
top were the problem and quickly checked to see what she
had on underneath, decided that she would still be decent
if she took her top off and as she went to lift her top to
take it off her sister leaned over and told her that the
guard meant the cardy that was tied around her waist not
her top!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a
lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff all over
those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in
front of me said it was Greece."

-------------------------------------------------------------

6 truths of life:

1) You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.

2) All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it.

3) The first truth is a lie.

4) You're smiling now cause you are an idiot.

5) You will soon forward this to another idiot.

6) Theres still a stupid smile on your face.

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Checked by AVG.
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7:42 PM

Bloody neighbours

2008-05-17T14:37:00.003+10:00

We have a huge council house near us.

3 generations of the same family seem to live there. The head of the family is a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do not do anything.

Her bad tempered old man is always upsetting foreigners with racist comments. One of the local shopkeepers blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his girlfriend but nothing has been proved yet. The police don't even want to investigate it properly

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thinks is gay.

None of them have proper jobs, yet they never seem to be short of money. Two of their grandsons are meant to be in the army but are always out in local nightclubs.

It’s so bad their antics are always in the papers. Opinion is that they are out of control, and should be evicted.

The sooner they are out of Windsor Castle the better.

Kiwi joke

2008-05-17T14:37:00.001+10:00

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
'Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour, but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.'
PM: 'Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!'
Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from...Brutain?...'
PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!'
Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia?'
PM: 'I'll call John Howard - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect the All Blacks!!'
Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold.
With small writing on each one.........MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM
 
Connect to the next generation of MSN Messenger Get it now!

at CarPoint.com.au It's simple! Sell your car for just $30

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Checked by AVG.
Version: 8.0.100 / Virus Database: 269.23.16/1448 - Release Date: 5/16/2008 7:42 PM

The Aussie Drink Driver (True Story)...Yeah Right

2008-05-17T14:36:00.001+10:00

  Drink Driving... THIS is absolutely brilliant!

  Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

  From the state where drink driving is considered a sport,
  comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
  Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local
  neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer
  noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could
barely
  walk.

  The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes,
  with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an
  eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed
to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few
minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started
the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night),
  flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then
switched on the lights.

  He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and
  then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more
  vehicles left.

  At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive
  slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently
  waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the
  flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a
  breathalyser test.

  To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of
  the man's intoxication.

  The police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany
  me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be
  broken.'

  'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.

ID problem Queensland

2008-05-17T14:34:00.001+10:00

   Brisbane Airport Customs

   A bloke named Bill, on vacation overseas, lost his wallet and all
   identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way
   home in
   Queensland, but is stopped by the Australian Customs at Brisbane
   airport.

   'May I see your identification, please?' asks the customs officer.

   'I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet,' replies the bloke.

   'Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry,' says the customs
   officer.

   'But I can prove I'm a Queenslander!' he exclaims. 'I have a picture of
   Joe Bjelke-Peterson tattooed on one butt cheek and Rob Borbidge on the
   other.'

   'This I've got to see,' replies the customs bloke.

   With that, Bill drops his pants and shows the officer.

   'By golly, you're right!' exclaims the officer. 'Welcome back to
   Queensland.'

   'Thanks!' he says. 'But how did you know for sure I was from
   Queensland?'

   The agent replies, 'I recognized Peter Beattie in the middle.'

pic- why the ABC should shut their car door...

2008-05-17T14:32:00.000+10:00

8th grade exam from 1895

2008-05-17T14:30:00.001+10:00

Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?

This is the eighth grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

8th Grade Final Exam:
Salina, KS, 1895

Grammar (Time, one hour)

1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of "lie", "play", and "run."
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6. What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 65 minutes)

1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per meter?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)

1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus .
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States .
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas .
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, and 1865.

Orthography (Time, one hour) (Do we even know what this is???)

1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, and syllabication.
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph, sub vocal, diphthong, cognate letters, and lingual.
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u.' (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi-, dis-, mis-, pre-, semi-, post-, non-, inter-, mono-, and sup-.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, r ise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)

1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas ?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia , Odessa , Denver , Manitoba , Hecla , Yukon , St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco .
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of: Europe and give the capital of each. 8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete. Gives the saying "he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it? This also shows you how poor our education system has become... and,

NO! I don't have the answers.

weekend funnies

2008-05-17T14:28:00.003+10:00

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine
started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic
little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's
funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly,
"It wasn't opportunity."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she
collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans
to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few
minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a
doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks
feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already
agreed to let him play through."

-----------------------------------------------------------

One of the single girls in the office came in one morning
and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue
ribbons.

When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a
diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. "It's a boy,"
she announced, "six feet tall, 178 pounds!"

-----------------------------------------------------------

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race
appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had
children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many ages ago there were monkeys from
which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom,
how is it possible that you told me the human race was
created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told
you about my side of the family and your father told you
about his."

-----------------------------------------------------------

My mother had us in stitches on Mother's Day. She told us
the tale of a 96 year-old gentleman who goes to her oil
painting classes . Recently, he was finally talked into
moving into a retirement unit by his son. A couple of weeks
later he returned to his son's home in a taxi. When asked
why he had left he admitted that the food was good but the
place was full of boring, old people!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism.
At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one
remarked to the other, "Gee, Sam sure look good, doesn't
he?"

The other replied, "He ought to; he hasn't had a drink in
three days."

-----------------------------------------------------------

"Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any
moment." --Ira Gassen

-----------------------------------------------------------

A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new
bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the
money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and
wouldn't even look at a cow.

Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a
look at the bull.

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had
helped. The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has
serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and
bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about
everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that
bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.

"I don't know, but they kind of taste like peppermint."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A husband and wife came for counselling after 40 years of
marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went
into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem
they had ever had in the 40 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,
emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an
entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over
the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient
length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the
desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and
kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what
your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do
this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied,..

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,
but on Fridays, I fish."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot
in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I
getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back,
"I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the
stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I
sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on
her wooden table for good measure. "

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon
as I see who's at the door."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things
were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told
when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me,
and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was
asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the
trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he
answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final
arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack"

-----------------------------------------------------------

It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to
rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who
has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy
you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day
throughout this war."

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "My God; the cook's
working for the Germans!"

No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG.
Version: 8.0.100 / Virus Database: 269.23.16/1448 - Release Date: 5/16/2008
7:42 PM

A Quiz

2008-05-17T14:28:00.001+10:00

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in Standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. . Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons ... Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside. . Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with 'dw':

Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. . Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh ... Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S'... Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART..... Today is National Mental Health Day. You can do your part by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person.

Well, my job's done!

late sunday funnies

2008-05-11T22:27:00.000+10:00

Have you heard that a committee in Canberra has suggested
naming the surrounds of The Lodge "The Kipling Gardens".
Apparently this is because it's now Rudd's yard.

----------------------------------------------------------

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do
to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into
town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about
5 minutes. When we came out, there was a Traffic Warden
writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said,
'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called
him a nazi. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a idiot. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20
minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We
try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age

----------------------------------------------------------

Our twenty-two-year-old son, who moved out last year, came
to visit his father and I for the evening. He was looking
around and smiling, so I asked if he missed living with us
at all. "Oh, no," he replied,"I was just going to
congratulate you on keeping the place so tidy these days!

----------------------------------------------------------

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a
pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went
to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead.
Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they
believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
didn't ya Tell me the dog was Catholic?"

----------------------------------------------------------

Tom and James came into my classroom very annoyed with each
other. I asked what the matter was and Tom complained
bitterly that James had sworn at him. James, with great
indignation, said that he hadn't. Accusations of, "Did!",
"Didn't!" flew too and fro. Finally I asked what had
actually been said. Tom replied that James had used the 'F'
word. They set too again, "No I didn't!", "Yes you did!"
with increasing animosity, until Tom finally exploded, "Yes
you did, you called me 'Fathead'!"

----------------------------------------------------------

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,
'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

----------------------------------------------------------

Here's a quickie:

At the recent Irish Sheep Dog Trials, only 6 were found
guilty.

----------------------------------------------------------

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the
first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete
strangers to kill again."

-Rick Polito, Marin Independent Journal's TV listing for
"The Wizard of Oz"

----------------------------------------------------------

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says,
"Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I
hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long
gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive
you." They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back
swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've
been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since
we're being honest with each other, I have something to
tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a s e x change
operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can
forgive me."

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw
a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the
ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf
cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by
one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You
despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all
my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing
off the ladies' tees!"

----------------------------------------------------------

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of
stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too
fast.

Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

----------------------------------------------------------

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an
Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a
sense of humour, because attached to the back of the
carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in
exhaust."

----------------------------------------------------------

An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins
exchanging her money. After the transaction is completed
she asks the teller

"Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my
money; today I only get hunat eighty?" The teller looked
over his glasses and says very slowly ... "fluctuations".
The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says ...

"fluc , you Aussies too"

----------------------------------------------------------

The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a
bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to
change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to
Sir Archibald Carpley.

The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife
for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded
her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a
local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her
with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost
anything she desired.

By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his
Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And
as for you Reggie -- you might at least stop while I'm
talking!"

----------------------------------------------------------

"At the recent big consumer electronics show, in Las Vegas,
Apple unveiled their first combination ipod and cell phone.
They say their goal is to create the most annoying person
ever to sit behind you in a movie theater." --Jay Leno

----------------------------------------------------------

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that
he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he
do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers,
and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-
cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the
woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see
how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on
washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it's a
wonderful gesture."

"We hadn't started eating yet."

No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG.
Version: 8.0.100 / Virus Database: 269.23.15/1426 - Release Date: 5/10/2008
11:12 AM

#LAST NAIL IN THE COFFIN#

2008-05-11T22:26:00.002+10:00

          Dave works hard at the factory and spends most evenings

         bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

         His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his

           birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

           The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Dave!

           How ya doin?'

           His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club

           before.



           'Oh no,' says Dave. 'He's on my bowling team.'

         When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his

          usual and brings over a Budweiser.

         His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,

         'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

         'She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes

         with them.'

           A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms

          around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says 'Hi Davey.

          Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

         Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of

          the club.

         Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

         Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

           Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have

          mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

           She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him

          every 4 letter word in the book.

         The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Dave, you picked up a

           real bitch this time'.

The Lords Prayer

2008-05-11T22:26:00.001+10:00

Our Cash

Which art on plastic

Hallowed be thy name

Thy Cartier watch

Thy Prada bag

In Myer

As it is in David Jones

Give us each day our Platinum Visa

And forgive us our overdraft

As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard

And lead us not into Sportsgirl

And deliver us from Portmans

For thine is the Dinnigan, the Akira and the Armani

For Chanel No.5 and Eternity

Amex.

THE BOYS PRAYER

Our beer

Which art in bottles

Hallowed by thy sport

Thy will be drunk

I will be drunk

At home as it is in the pub

Give us each day our daily schooners

And forgive us our spillage

As we forgive those who spillest against us

And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting

And deliver us from Tequila

For mine is the bitter

The chicks and the footy

Forever and ever

Barmen.