Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they
can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
****************************************
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'
?' Granny replies, 'F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!!'
****************************************
Little Billy asks his dad for a TV in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with
his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'
Billy replied, ' Wimbledon .'
****************************************
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror remarked to her husband, 'I
look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment!' He replies, 'You
have perfect eyesight!'
****************************************
A wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or
my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of
humour!'
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with
her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he
did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a
check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a
check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat,and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250
with the following note :
"Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is
plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the
apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
landlady."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged
with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'
The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to
death with a spanner.'
Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You f***ing
b*stard!!!'
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and
said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but
I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you
with contempt! Now what is the problem?'
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years
I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a
f***ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!'
***
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that
one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer..
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?'
The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good
enough, I'll go home!'
***
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her,
draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her
supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor
what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit
against him.
The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, 'What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice'?
The woman replies, It's Keith the dwarf.
--------------------------------------
Paddy Murphy
Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Connor?" says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy,
"a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.
Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy,
"Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a
fight."
---------------------------------------------
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the
wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes
for that.'
----------------------------------------------------
An Alberta woodpecker and a Saskatchewan woodpecker were arguing
about which place had the toughest trees.
The Alberta woodpecker said Alberta had a tree that no woodpecker
could peck.
The Saskatchewan woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly
pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Alberta woodpecker was amazed. The Saskatchewan woodpecker
then challenged the Alberta woodpecker to peck a tree in
Saskatchewan that was absolutely im - peckable (a term woodpeckers
like to use).
The Alberta woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it
and accepted the challenge.
So the two flew to Saskatchewan where the Alberta woodpecker
successfully pecked the so-called im-peckable tree with no problem.
Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the
Saskatchewan woodpecker was able to peck the Alberta tree and the
Alberta woodpecker was able to peck the Saskatchewan tree, yet
neither was able to peck the tree in their own province????
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same
conclusion:
Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG.
Version: 8.0.101 / Virus Database: 270.4.3/1529 - Release Date: 7/1/2008
7:23 PM
