Wednesday, July 02, 2008

A few giggles

 
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they
can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
****************************************
  A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'
?' Granny replies, 'F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!!'
  ****************************************
  Little Billy asks his dad for a TV in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with
his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'
Billy replied, ' Wimbledon .'
****************************************
  A woman standing nude in front of a mirror remarked to her husband, 'I
look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment!' He replies, 'You
have perfect eyesight!'
****************************************
A wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or
my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of
humour!'
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with
her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he
did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a
check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

 On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a
check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

 "Dear Madam:
 Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:
 #1 - it had never been occupied;
 #2 - there was plenty of heat; and
 #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
 However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat,and that it was entirely too large."
 Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250
with the following note :

 "Dear Sir:
 First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is
plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the
apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.

 Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
landlady."

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged
with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to
death with a spanner.'

Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You f***ing
b*stard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and
said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but
I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you
with contempt! Now what is the problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years
I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a
f***ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!'

 ***
 A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that
one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer..

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good
enough, I'll go home!'
 ***

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her,
draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her
supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor
what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit
against him.

The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, 'What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice'?

The woman replies,  It's Keith the dwarf.
 --------------------------------------
 
Paddy Murphy
Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
  "Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.
  "That little shit, O'Connor?" says Sean,
  "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
  "That he did," says Paddy,
  "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
  "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.
  Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy,
 "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a
fight."

---------------------------------------------
 
 
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling  screams.
Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone  having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the
wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with 
the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 
'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head  drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so, says the  old lady, but I've already got the holes 
for that.' 

----------------------------------------------------
  
An Alberta woodpecker and a Saskatchewan woodpecker were arguing 
 about which place had the toughest trees.
 The Alberta woodpecker said Alberta had a tree that no woodpecker 
 could peck.
 The Saskatchewan woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly 
 pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
 The Alberta woodpecker was amazed. The Saskatchewan woodpecker 
 then challenged the Alberta woodpecker to peck a tree in
 Saskatchewan that was absolutely im - peckable (a term woodpeckers 
 like to use).
 The Alberta woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it 
 and accepted the challenge.
 So the two flew to Saskatchewan where the Alberta woodpecker 
 successfully pecked the so-called im-peckable tree with no problem.
 Both woodpeckers were terribly confused.  How is it that the 
 Saskatchewan woodpecker was able to peck the Alberta tree and the
 Alberta woodpecker was able to peck the Saskatchewan tree, yet 
 neither was able to peck the tree in their own province????
 After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same 
 conclusion:
 Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG.
Version: 8.0.101 / Virus Database: 270.4.3/1529 - Release Date: 7/1/2008
7:23 PM

Made me laugh

I was due for a cancer smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one
morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had
been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed
everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The
trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to
spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the
full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth
that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that
area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the
clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my
appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked
over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or
some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the
doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest
of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from
the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my
glitter saved inside it.' !!!!!!!!

NEVER going back to that doctor!!

 

No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG.
Version: 8.0.101 / Virus Database: 270.4.3/1529 - Release Date: 7/1/2008
7:23 PM

Monday, June 30, 2008

Lipstick in School

 

 

Lipstick in School
 
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington  was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
 
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.  Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

 

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).


To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee,

dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror...

There are teachers .... and then there are educators.


 

 

 

 

 

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Robber joke

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds
to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head
and shouts 'Did anybody else here see my face?'

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.

Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is
heard from a distant corner...


'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'

Winter Poem

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort
to you. As it was to me, and it's very well written.

'WINTER'
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre...

'SHIT, It's Cold !'

The End

Divorce cakes







Saturday, June 28, 2008

amazing photos











weekend funnies

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody
can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
-Demetri Martin

-------------------------------------------------------

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
---Milton Berle

-------------------------------------------------------

I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like
she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.

-------------------------------------------------------

Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual"

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or
daughters who think they are teenagers or who will
eventually be teen- agers.

Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the
proud new owner of a teenage daughter.

Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the
main- tenance of your new daughter, and answers important
questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the
right to return the product to the factory for a full
refund.)

IF YOU FEEL, YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a
teenager girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.
Does she:

(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with
more makeup and less clothing?

(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet
Earth (except when requesting money)?

(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct
item. Nice try, though.

-------------------------------------------------------

A grade 2 teacher was teaching her students about
probability. She had a masking tape line on the classroom
floor with 'likely' at one end, and 'impossible' at the
other. When she made a statement, the students had to stand
on an appropriate place on the line. "I will see a flying
pig today" had one child on "impossible" and another
dithering between that and "unlikely". The teacher tried
some open-ended questioning- "What would a pig need to
fly?"

The answer- "A cape?"

True story, and tired teachers in week 11 of a 12 week term
fell about laughing in our meeting last night.

-------------------------------------------------------

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at
their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip
onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on
the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes
off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and
touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35
years."

-------------------------------------------------------

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University
in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people
isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to
preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a
bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs,
goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find
me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me
and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy
water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week
to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with
an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best
fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you
KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a
bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY
WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just
like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the
rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's
and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad
shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, cir cumci
sion may not have been the best way to start."

------------------------------------------------------

After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting
around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer
stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his
scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give
this stupid game up!"

-------------------------------------------------------

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very
lonely. So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?' Adam
said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was
going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she
will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will
wash them for you She will always agree with every decision
you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the
first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in
the middle of the night to take care of them. 'She will
NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?' 'An arm
and a leg.'

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib ?

Of course the rest is history..... .......!! !!

-------------------------------------------------------

When Diane found out she was pre gn ant, she told the good
news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son
overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One
day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman
asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going
to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her
Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it
quits!"

-------------------------------------------------------

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell"
assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an
object to share with the class that represented their
religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said,
"My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of
David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said,
"My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said,
"My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."


No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG.
Version: 8.0.101 / Virus Database: 270.4.1/1522 - Release Date: 6/27/2008
8:27 AM