Smile for today

>>>
>>>
>>> Wonderful English from Around the World
>>>
>>> In a Bangkok temple:
>>> IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS
>>> A MAN.
>>>
>>> Cocktail lounge , Norway :
>>> LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
>>>
>>> Doctors office, Rome :
>>> SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
>>>
>>> Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
>>> DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
>>>
>>> In a Nairobi restaurant:
>>> CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
>>>
>>> On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
>>> TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
>>>
>>> On a poster at Kencom:
>>> ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
>>>
>>> In a City restaurant:
>>> OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
>>>
>>> In a cemetery:
>>> PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
>>> GRAVES .
>>>
>>> Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
>>> GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
>>> BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
>>>
>>> On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
>>> OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
>>>
>>> In a Tokyo bar:
>>> SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
>>>
>>> Hotel , Yugoslavia :
>>> THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
>>> CHAMBERMAID.
>>>
>>> Hotel , Japan :
>>> YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
>>>
>>> In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
>>> monastery:
>>> YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND
>>> SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT
>>> THURSDAY.
>>>
>>> A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
>>> IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT
>>> PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE
>>> TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR
>>> THIS PURPOSE.
>>>
>>> Hotel, Zurich :
>>> BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE
>>> SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR
>>> THIS PURPOSE.
>>>
>>> Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
>>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
>>>
>>> Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
>>> WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
>>>
>>> A laundry in Rome :
>>> LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A
>>> GOOD TIME.
>>> ====
>>>
>>
>

Weddings..

>
> When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
> It seemed that all of my aunts and
> The grandmotherly types used to come up
> To me, poke me in the ribs and
> Cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'..
> They stopped that shit after I
> Started doing the same thing to them at
> Funerals.

FUNNY

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow airport for New York and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo, she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality..." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

STRANGE SIGHTINGS !!

Irishman

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.   Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy?.   Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then?.   Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off... He falls flat on his face.   'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,   'Shoite,   Shoite !'   He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.   'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.   He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.     He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.   He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.   The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'   Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'   'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

Lie Detector

>
> John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
> gimmick.
>
> His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
>
>
> One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It
> was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
>
> It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
> returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late.
>
> 'Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?'
> asked John.
>
> 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
> project,' said Tommy.
>
> The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking
> him completely out of his chair.
>
> 'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector. Now, tell us where
> you really were after school.'
>
> 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,' said Tommy.
>
> 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
>
> 'The Ten Commandments,' answered Tommy.
>
> The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
> him off his chair once more.
>
> With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry
> I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
>
> 'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never
> lied to my parents.'
>
> The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that
> nearly knocked him out of his chair.
>
> Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did
> you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After
> all, he is your son!'
>
> With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked
> her clean out of her chair.
>

45 life lessons

>
>
> Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer,
> Cleveland , Ohio
>
> "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught
> me..
>
> It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
>
> My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once
> more:
>
> 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
>
> 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
>
> 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
>
> 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends
> and parents will. Stay in touch.
>
> 5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
>
> 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
>
> 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
>
> 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
>
> 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
>
> 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
>
> 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
>
> 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
>
> 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
> journey is all about.
>
> 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
>
> 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry;
> God never blinks.
>
> 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
>
> 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
>
> 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
>
> 19.. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second
> one is up to you and no one else.
>
> 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take
> no for an answer.
>
> 21.. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
> Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
>
> 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
>
> 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
>
> 24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
>
> 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
>
> 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years,
> will this matter?'
>
> 27. Always choose life.
>
> 28. Forgive everyone, everything.
>
> 29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
>
> 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
>
> 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
>
> 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
>
> 33. Believe in miracles.
>
> 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you
> did or didn't do.
>
> 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
>
> 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
>
> 37. Your children get only one childhood.
>
> 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved..
>
> 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
>
> 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,
> we'd grab ours back.
>
> 41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
>
> 42. The best is yet to come.
>
> 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
>
> 44. Yield.
>
> 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
>
> Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who
> will, forward this with the title '7%'.
>
> I'm in the 7%.
>
> Remember that I will always share my spoon with you!
>
> Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves
>
>

Fun History Lesson!

>
>
> A Fun History Lesson
>
>
> They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all
> pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the
> tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"
> But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even
> afford to buy a pot...........they "didn't have a pot to piss in"
> and were the lowest of the low.
> The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the
> water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things
> used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
>
>
> Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath
> in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since
> they were starting to smell . .. . brides carried a bouquet of
> flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a
> bouquet when getting married.
>
> Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
> house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other
> sons and men, then the women and finally the children.. Last of all
> the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose
> someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the
> Bath water!"
>
> Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
> underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all
> the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
> When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would
> slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and
> dogs."
>
> There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This
> posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
> could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a
> sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
> beds came into existence..
>
> The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
> Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that
> would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh
> (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on,
> they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all
> start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-
> way. Hence: a thresh hold.
>
> (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
>
> In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
> always hung over the fire Every day they lit the fire and added
> things to the pot.. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
> meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the
> pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
> Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
> Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
> porridge in the pot nine days old.
>
> Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
> special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to
> show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the
> bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would
> all sit around and chew the fat.
>
> Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
> content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
> poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the
> next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
>
> Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom
> of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or
> the upper crust.
>
> Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
> sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone
> walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for
> burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days
> and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and
> see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
>
> England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
> places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take
> the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these
> coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
> inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
> would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
> coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would
> have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to
> listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or
> was considered a dead ringer...
>
> And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !
>
> So . . . get out there and educate someone! ~~~ Share these facts
> with a friend like I just did! ! !

The Moral Of The Story

 

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

 

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

 

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

 

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

 

'Very good,' said the teacher.

 

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'

 

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

 

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

 

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Claire. Aunty Claire was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

 

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

 

Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

 

'Stay way from Aunty Claire when she's been drinking.'

---

mermaid or a whale

Recently, in a large city in France, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.


To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside t he offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them ... where is IT? Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a piece of chocolate with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.


So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good grief, look how smart I am.¨

---

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

>
>
>
> THE HORTH WHITHPERER
>
> If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!(I did!)
>
> A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
> friend over to look at a horse.
>
> His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
>
> 'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
>
> So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a
> male or female horse.
>
> 'A female horth.'
>
> So he shows him a prized filly.
>
> 'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
>
> So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once
> over.
>
> 'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
>
> So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
>
> 'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
>
> The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks
> him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
>
> 'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
>
> Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and
> rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams
> him on the ground.
>
> The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
>
> 'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a
> widdlebit?'
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> <
>

SPOILED "UNDER 30" CROWD

>
> most, if not all of you will relate to this...
>
> THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
> If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
>
>
> When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
> diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up;
> what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....
> Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda
>
>
>
> And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no
> way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids
> about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
>
> But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help
> but look around and notice the youth of today.
>
> You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in
> a damn Utopia!
>
> And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good
> you've got it!
>
> I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted
> to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up
> ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
>
> There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter -
> with a pen!
>
> Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the
> mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10
> cents!
>
>
> Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a
> matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to
> kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
>
> There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you
> had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
>
> Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the
> DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There
> were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our
> favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come
> undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?
>
> We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the
> phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
>
> And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
> When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your
> school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a
> collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and
> take your chances, mister!
>
> We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-
> resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
> 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
> actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple
> levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!
> And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and
> harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
>
>
> You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
> on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get
> off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO
> REMOTES!!!
>
> There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
> on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait
> ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
>
> And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we
> had to use the stove! Imagine that!
>
> That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it
> too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes
> back in 1980 or before!
>
> Regards,
> The Over 30 Crowd
>
> (Send this to someone you'd like to make smile, Whether they are
> under 30 or not.)
>

POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR

 A  blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her  mother overseas.
 
 When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
 
 The man arched an eyebrow (as we would  expect).
  
 "Anything?" he asked.
  
 "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
  
 Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
 
  The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
  
 "Come in and close the door" the man said.
  
 She did.
  
 He then said "Now get on your knees."
  
 She did.
  
 "Now take down my zipper."
  
 She did.
 
 "Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said.
  
 She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
  
 Then paused.
  
 The man closed his eyes and whispered ..
  
 "well ...  go ahead then."
  
 The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, ....  tentatively said ...."Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"