A father found his small son looking very unhappy.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
The boy said, "I can't get along with your wife."
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One day, a New Zealander on holiday in London walked into a
curio shop. Looking around, he notices a life-sized bronze
sculpture of a cat in a dark corner. The sculpture is so
intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the
shopkeeper the price.
"Twelve pounds for the cat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him,
"and £100 for the story that goes with it."
"I'll take the cat," says the tourist, "but you can keep
the story."
The transaction completed, the tourist leaves the store
with the bronze cat under his arm. As he crosses the street
in front of the store, two live cats emerge from an alley
and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his
shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he
passes another alley, more cats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred cats
are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He
walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as
multitudes of cats swarm from alleys, basements, vacant
lots, and abandoned cars. Thousands of cats are now at his
heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the
hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing
insanely, now not just thousands, but millions, so that by
the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of
cats several blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty
leap, he jumps onto a light post, grasping it with one arm
while he hurls the bronze cat into the Thames River.
Clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the
seething tide of cats surges over the banks into the river,
where they drown. Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes
his way back to the curio shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the
shopkeeper.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a
bronze Australian."
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You are suffering from what is technically known as an
Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde
female patient. "In other words, you are in love with your
father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."
"Yes..(snif)...yes, it is," the blonde gets out between
sobs. "I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"
--------------------------------------------------------
After a torrential rainstorm filled all the potholes in the
streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little
boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his
brother by the back of his head and shoved his face into
the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and
dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
'Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she
asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
'We were just playing 'church' mummy,' he said. 'And I was
just baptizing him ... ... in the name of the Father, the
Son and in ... the hole-he-goes.'
--------------------------------------------------------
An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it
in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in four weeks.
The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so
advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person,
put it in another, and have them both looking for work in
two weeks.'
An Australian doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are
way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of
Queensland, put him in Canberra , and soon about half the
country will be looking for work.'
--------------------------------------------------------
I reckon airports should have a room allocated to atheists
so they can go there and not pray.
--------------------------------------------------------
No One Could Ever Dream Up A Story Like This One.. As a
young piper in Newfoundland, I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless
man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the
country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest
there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I
became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for
directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the
backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch,but the hearse
was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped
to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid
already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold
them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The
workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played
out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I
played, like I'd never played before: From My Home & The
Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest.I closed the
lengthy session with amazing Grace and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I
overheard one of the workers saying to another, 'Lard
Jeezuz b'y, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've
been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.'
--------------------------------------------------------
A lady went to the doctor and said 'my husband thinks he's
a refrigerator'.
The doctor said "don't worry he'll get over it".
She said, " It's not that", she said, "when he's asleep
with his mouth open, the little light in there keeps me
awake!"
--------------------------------------------------------
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked Up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, 'I Would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need
cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my
husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have
mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw
both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things Will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well
now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription.'
--------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for the funnies... I thought I would share "a
moment" with you from last night...
As a special treat, my partner took our 2 kids to see the
stage show of Wicked. It was a late night for our 6 & 10
year old girls... I collected them in the car and on the
way home, our very tired 6 year old was trying to remember
which day she had to do "Show & Tell" so that she could
report on Wicked..... "I cannot remember which day it is
but it has 'Day' in it's name....."
What followed was an annoyed 10 year old trying to explain
that all days have days in their names...
--------------------------------------------------------
She looked like such a sweet little old lady, driving the
cute Toyota with a bumper sticker that said, "Grow your own
dope."
How sweet, I thought, must be a medical marijuana patient.
Then I noticed the rest of her message... "Plant a man."
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